Dual Life
1
I wake up one morning with a sick feeling of misery. I try to wipe it off but I do not even know the source of the misery. Will it disappear just as a drop of sweat would disappear with a wipe of a tissue paper, or will it stay there till time tells it to disappear. It will not.
Why do I feel as though I have done some unforgivable crime or I am in a place where sacrificial meat is given to warlords after a war. These feelings will go away but why are they there in the first place? I question myself a thousand times why do I feel such pain when I have done nothing but follow all the rules and abide by the law put before me. Is this a past life? Is this my overactive imagination? or is this from a fantasy novel I have read 10 years ago or yesterday?
In my mind, there is an overactive playground with multiple emotions. I have been given prescriptions from doctors to ease the pains I have been experiencing. I settle with it for a time, being high and happy for while, I forget about these images in my head for a few hours or a few days. If they do not go away, I sleep it off and try to forget about it. Why are these painful emotions surrounding me with no reason I do not know or do not understand.
Why do I feel the pain of another person 1000 miles away from me. Why do I feel the pain of a fictional character in a novel. Why do I want to confess to a priest in a Church for a sin that I have not committed? So many questions and no answers. Is this a gift or a curse? Or is it a mental state that needs special analysis.
My life is clearly normal on the surface. I have worked in multiple organizations trying to climb the corporate ladder, watching the stress around me as an out of body experience. It never occurred to me that I should also be in the race to reach the top. That I should be stepping on my peers in order to get that promotion that everyone wants. Even if I have done it once, it never gave me happiness, it never fulfilled me and I never felt happy with myself. I could never ‘fit-in’ . I never watch shows that people my age watch. I never have interest to be in a crowded place for more than a certain amount of time.
Since the age of 5, I have asked myself “who am I?” I remember asking this question to myself when I am alone. While I knew my name and my family I never could answer the question of “who am i?” I knew that no one else will know the answer and never asked anyone else why do I ask myself this question.
At the age of 10, I saw a priest asking my father for money. All I can remember till now is his sad face. I do not know who he is but I remember the sorrow I found on his face. Some may say, he is just a greedy priest, but I only wondered why did he look so sad? I cannot answer these questions. I still remember his face and the look when we drove away, but I have just blocked it out of my mind.
Working as a legal counselor in a non-profit organization exposed me to many unfortunate people who came in to find solutions to their problems. My job required me to listen and advise them on what forms to fill and that we will get back to them. But every time I speak to a prospective client, I imagine the situation they are facing and it brings misery to me. These emotions and vibrations follow me to my head and sit there for hours or days. I try to block them out but it doesn’t disappear and it stays there till the solution is found.
There were times when I totally started getting sick listening to a certain friend’s problems. To the extent I had to get medication for migraine from the doctors when I do not even suffer from migraines before this. It occurred to me to stop talking to this person as I could not take the toll and the next day my migraines stopped and I did not even take the medication.
Watching a fictional character on television can affect me for days. I can actually feel the emotions of a ruthless heartless murderer. I do not condone the behavior of such activities but at the same time I can mirror the emotion that the said person is experiencing. It is horrible and distressing as I cannot differentiate the said feelings or emotions from my own. It gets mixed up and then I forget why I am feeling miserable. Is this normal? Is this called empathy? Or am I on the verge of psychosis?
A novel written 200 years ago with a fictional character miles away can stick in my head and I will began to think like them. The pain the emotional turmoil faced by the character is felt like my own. I began to obsess about the said character and love them as they are myself. I get angry when someone says something negative about them because it feels like they are speaking that away about me.
A beggar on a street is shivering I take out my own sweater and give it to him. Some call it kindness but it is merely a dysfunction of the brain that cannot differentiate another from myself or rather cannot differentiate the emotion that they are facing is theirs and not mine. When I see homeless people outside my office building, my friend says, look at these people they are disrupting the peace of our environment. Instead I start feeling very uncomfortable and wonder where they came from? Where is their family? How can I help them? when I know the answers are beyond me and it kills me and stays with me for days and days with no solution.
My friends say “let it go” or “why do you care?” “why are you so emotional?” . I say yes I don’t and move on but it is just on the outside, the truth is I cannot stop. I cannot stop caring when someone is hurt, I cannot stop caring when there is injustice happening, I cannot stop bothering because people ask me to stop.
Selfish people aggravate me. So does egoistic people who think highly of themselves. As much as I can I stay away from them, I do, and surprisingly they also stay away from me. There have been times when certain collegues come to me pouring out their emotions and problems, to no one else but me. Even if I do not know them I do know they are having some issues before they even start telling me. All this happens so fast that I suck in their energy and instantly they smile and feel better. All this happens without I even knowing its happening. Sometimes I began to wonder Is this a gift? Well it could be if I learn to control my emotions from knowing which are mine and which are not. Only then, I can control myself from not being so drained and tired all the time.
I feel emotional pain for criminals or sick people without me even knowing them. I wonder how I could help them. I do what I can but at the end I do not know what I could possibly do to end the misery and I end up becoming sick myself.
2
Ive learnt that this gift I am having is something that should be controlled. Once controlled can be used beneficially to improve the world. However, I spoke about it to my friend whom I felt had similar traits. But surprisingly I realised that from the way she spoke to me it wasnt the same as what I have been experiencing. Again I feel so alone. Nobody understands. They say why cant you just feel for the people you care about and help them. Or meditate and find yourself first. That, I can never feel the pain of someone else if i have not found myself. No they are wrong. I do not know how spiritually evolved I am but the urge to help a certain person is pulling me like a magnet to a metal. When I do try to help,sometimes it betters the situation sometimes my inteference makes the situation worse as I have intefered with the course of nature. I do know someone with a mind similar to me can identify me.
However a masochist or a self harming human being wants me to stay out of their disruptive life. Am I a masochist as well? Knowing that soaking in all these emotions does nothing good for my soul I still choose to continue my mission. I used to think I may be one but the truth is its beyond my control. I do not care that the masochist is angry with me I still want to help him. Hes soul is lost. I know it but he does he know it?. He keeps giving his soul away and everytime he does it i feel the pain.
He misunderstands my inteference as it troubles his course of actions. However,why do i feel it my duty to bring him back to the right path. I am not in love with this masochist. I feel the pain of this Masochist. Why do i feel the pain of this masochist who is 1000s of miles away from me. Why does this masochist feel my inteference as a hindrance? I cannot answer. But I can only feel that he knows my intentions. Why does it feel like my duty to end his misery . Some say his pain is self inflicted. I say so what if it is? A pain is a pain. Why do i feel it so strongly in me when it is not mine to feel.
Will the masochist ever stop hurting himself and at the same time stop hurting me as well? I wish i could answer these questions but i cannot. Will the masochist live a normal life again ? Will i acheive my mission? My story cannot end here without knowing the answers.
I sit alone in a dark room. I cut my self. I cut myself with a blade. I intentionally do not cut my veins, I just cut enough to see my blood. I taste my blood and then I feel calm for a time. I do not know why I do this. I ask myself why am I inflicting pain to myself. But i do not have the answer, i continue to do this until the emotional pain reduces. I suppose that once physical pain is endured the emotional pain lessens. Is this true? Or is it not. I do not know.
I listen to music that brings me to another world. I listen till i cry. I imagine why the writer has written such a melancholy song. I wonder what was in his mind when he wrote it. Is this nornal? Shouldnt i just enjoy the song instead of pondering on the writer. Why does it affect me, when i do not even know him.
Coming back to the masochist why is he still on my mind. He lives a fairly successful life yet his soul suffers. I do not know from what but i hear it crying. Why do i hear this? I do not know him. He is not related to me. What is the bond i share with this person. Who can i share this with? No one. No one beleives me. Except for you, this paper i write on. Only you understand my story.
Maybe it will pass, maybe it will go away,I say,I think, but it makes me sick. Im getting sick. I need to recuperate. How do i do this? I watch a movie. A cartoon to ease my mind.Seeing the colours make me feel delighted.
I pray to God to forgive us all of our sins. I pray from my heart to heal the world. I pray for the masochist as well.
In the world where there are many illusions I tend to see a bright light. That light is real. It is not an illusion. I keep that light as my guide. The real feeling that I know is true.
I read a story about a suffering priest who physically injured himself to achieve salvation. He inflicted pain on his body and said it was repentance. I wondered, is this real? Is this necesary? I suppose every person has a different story. I remember it till now and ponder about it.
1
I wake up one morning with a sick feeling of misery. I try to wipe it off but I do not even know the source of the misery. Will it disappear just as a drop of sweat would disappear with a wipe of a tissue paper, or will it stay there till time tells it to disappear. It will not.
Why do I feel as though I have done some unforgivable crime or I am in a place where sacrificial meat is given to warlords after a war. These feelings will go away but why are they there in the first place? I question myself a thousand times why do I feel such pain when I have done nothing but follow all the rules and abide by the law put before me. Is this a past life? Is this my overactive imagination? or is this from a fantasy novel I have read 10 years ago or yesterday?
In my mind, there is an overactive playground with multiple emotions. I have been given prescriptions from doctors to ease the pains I have been experiencing. I settle with it for a time, being high and happy for while, I forget about these images in my head for a few hours or a few days. If they do not go away, I sleep it off and try to forget about it. Why are these painful emotions surrounding me with no reason I do not know or do not understand.
Why do I feel the pain of another person 1000 miles away from me. Why do I feel the pain of a fictional character in a novel. Why do I want to confess to a priest in a Church for a sin that I have not committed? So many questions and no answers. Is this a gift or a curse? Or is it a mental state that needs special analysis.
My life is clearly normal on the surface. I have worked in multiple organizations trying to climb the corporate ladder, watching the stress around me as an out of body experience. It never occurred to me that I should also be in the race to reach the top. That I should be stepping on my peers in order to get that promotion that everyone wants. Even if I have done it once, it never gave me happiness, it never fulfilled me and I never felt happy with myself. I could never ‘fit-in’ . I never watch shows that people my age watch. I never have interest to be in a crowded place for more than a certain amount of time.
Since the age of 5, I have asked myself “who am I?” I remember asking this question to myself when I am alone. While I knew my name and my family I never could answer the question of “who am i?” I knew that no one else will know the answer and never asked anyone else why do I ask myself this question.
At the age of 10, I saw a priest asking my father for money. All I can remember till now is his sad face. I do not know who he is but I remember the sorrow I found on his face. Some may say, he is just a greedy priest, but I only wondered why did he look so sad? I cannot answer these questions. I still remember his face and the look when we drove away, but I have just blocked it out of my mind.
Working as a legal counselor in a non-profit organization exposed me to many unfortunate people who came in to find solutions to their problems. My job required me to listen and advise them on what forms to fill and that we will get back to them. But every time I speak to a prospective client, I imagine the situation they are facing and it brings misery to me. These emotions and vibrations follow me to my head and sit there for hours or days. I try to block them out but it doesn’t disappear and it stays there till the solution is found.
There were times when I totally started getting sick listening to a certain friend’s problems. To the extent I had to get medication for migraine from the doctors when I do not even suffer from migraines before this. It occurred to me to stop talking to this person as I could not take the toll and the next day my migraines stopped and I did not even take the medication.
Watching a fictional character on television can affect me for days. I can actually feel the emotions of a ruthless heartless murderer. I do not condone the behavior of such activities but at the same time I can mirror the emotion that the said person is experiencing. It is horrible and distressing as I cannot differentiate the said feelings or emotions from my own. It gets mixed up and then I forget why I am feeling miserable. Is this normal? Is this called empathy? Or am I on the verge of psychosis?
A novel written 200 years ago with a fictional character miles away can stick in my head and I will began to think like them. The pain the emotional turmoil faced by the character is felt like my own. I began to obsess about the said character and love them as they are myself. I get angry when someone says something negative about them because it feels like they are speaking that away about me.
A beggar on a street is shivering I take out my own sweater and give it to him. Some call it kindness but it is merely a dysfunction of the brain that cannot differentiate another from myself or rather cannot differentiate the emotion that they are facing is theirs and not mine. When I see homeless people outside my office building, my friend says, look at these people they are disrupting the peace of our environment. Instead I start feeling very uncomfortable and wonder where they came from? Where is their family? How can I help them? when I know the answers are beyond me and it kills me and stays with me for days and days with no solution.
My friends say “let it go” or “why do you care?” “why are you so emotional?” . I say yes I don’t and move on but it is just on the outside, the truth is I cannot stop. I cannot stop caring when someone is hurt, I cannot stop caring when there is injustice happening, I cannot stop bothering because people ask me to stop.
Selfish people aggravate me. So does egoistic people who think highly of themselves. As much as I can I stay away from them, I do, and surprisingly they also stay away from me. There have been times when certain collegues come to me pouring out their emotions and problems, to no one else but me. Even if I do not know them I do know they are having some issues before they even start telling me. All this happens so fast that I suck in their energy and instantly they smile and feel better. All this happens without I even knowing its happening. Sometimes I began to wonder Is this a gift? Well it could be if I learn to control my emotions from knowing which are mine and which are not. Only then, I can control myself from not being so drained and tired all the time.
I feel emotional pain for criminals or sick people without me even knowing them. I wonder how I could help them. I do what I can but at the end I do not know what I could possibly do to end the misery and I end up becoming sick myself.
2
Ive learnt that this gift I am having is something that should be controlled. Once controlled can be used beneficially to improve the world. However, I spoke about it to my friend whom I felt had similar traits. But surprisingly I realised that from the way she spoke to me it wasnt the same as what I have been experiencing. Again I feel so alone. Nobody understands. They say why cant you just feel for the people you care about and help them. Or meditate and find yourself first. That, I can never feel the pain of someone else if i have not found myself. No they are wrong. I do not know how spiritually evolved I am but the urge to help a certain person is pulling me like a magnet to a metal. When I do try to help,sometimes it betters the situation sometimes my inteference makes the situation worse as I have intefered with the course of nature. I do know someone with a mind similar to me can identify me.
However a masochist or a self harming human being wants me to stay out of their disruptive life. Am I a masochist as well? Knowing that soaking in all these emotions does nothing good for my soul I still choose to continue my mission. I used to think I may be one but the truth is its beyond my control. I do not care that the masochist is angry with me I still want to help him. Hes soul is lost. I know it but he does he know it?. He keeps giving his soul away and everytime he does it i feel the pain.
He misunderstands my inteference as it troubles his course of actions. However,why do i feel it my duty to bring him back to the right path. I am not in love with this masochist. I feel the pain of this Masochist. Why do i feel the pain of this masochist who is 1000s of miles away from me. Why does this masochist feel my inteference as a hindrance? I cannot answer. But I can only feel that he knows my intentions. Why does it feel like my duty to end his misery . Some say his pain is self inflicted. I say so what if it is? A pain is a pain. Why do i feel it so strongly in me when it is not mine to feel.
Will the masochist ever stop hurting himself and at the same time stop hurting me as well? I wish i could answer these questions but i cannot. Will the masochist live a normal life again ? Will i acheive my mission? My story cannot end here without knowing the answers.
I sit alone in a dark room. I cut my self. I cut myself with a blade. I intentionally do not cut my veins, I just cut enough to see my blood. I taste my blood and then I feel calm for a time. I do not know why I do this. I ask myself why am I inflicting pain to myself. But i do not have the answer, i continue to do this until the emotional pain reduces. I suppose that once physical pain is endured the emotional pain lessens. Is this true? Or is it not. I do not know.
I listen to music that brings me to another world. I listen till i cry. I imagine why the writer has written such a melancholy song. I wonder what was in his mind when he wrote it. Is this nornal? Shouldnt i just enjoy the song instead of pondering on the writer. Why does it affect me, when i do not even know him.
Coming back to the masochist why is he still on my mind. He lives a fairly successful life yet his soul suffers. I do not know from what but i hear it crying. Why do i hear this? I do not know him. He is not related to me. What is the bond i share with this person. Who can i share this with? No one. No one beleives me. Except for you, this paper i write on. Only you understand my story.
Maybe it will pass, maybe it will go away,I say,I think, but it makes me sick. Im getting sick. I need to recuperate. How do i do this? I watch a movie. A cartoon to ease my mind.Seeing the colours make me feel delighted.
I pray to God to forgive us all of our sins. I pray from my heart to heal the world. I pray for the masochist as well.
In the world where there are many illusions I tend to see a bright light. That light is real. It is not an illusion. I keep that light as my guide. The real feeling that I know is true.
I read a story about a suffering priest who physically injured himself to achieve salvation. He inflicted pain on his body and said it was repentance. I wondered, is this real? Is this necesary? I suppose every person has a different story. I remember it till now and ponder about it.
A well thought, clear & deep analysis of life and empathy
ReplyDeleteKeep writing
Well done
Thank you 😊
DeleteI felt the pain in yer writing!
ReplyDeletePlease keep writing ��